The M-effect
It has been quite a while since my last entry and I am afraid if I have already given on writing anything anywhere now. It’s not the case of not wanting to write specifically, more of getting over the hype of starting a new blog. Somehow, this kinda things happen to me quite often. I get something that I want and after a while, as soon as I get the hang of it, I lose interest. But no, this will not happen. Not happening to this blog and definitely, it will be because of the M-effect since I cannot let anybody else know abt it.
So thus, due to the M-effect, this blog shall remain alive.
It is so weird how M and I have gotten off so well within this short span of time. I cannot believe how unbelievable this whole experience of getting to know Mr M has been thus far. He has this allure about him that keeps me wanting to come back for more. I try really hard to control myself and make sure I do not come across as somebody who is over-bearing and just all over the place. I need to know what my boundaries are and those lines that I draw for my sake around those boundaries, I must keep. So let it be clear from this line henceforth that it is not that I do not want to get to know him better and it is definitely not the case that I do not bother to make any effort to go look for him. I simply am giving him the space to breathe because I know too well that I am the sort who could choke, suffocate asphyxiate the very person I care about. It is not that I do not care when I send text messages to him when he is at the A&E dept of CGH. It is not that I do not take any initiative when he is down and out. I do not come knocking on his door with a surprise lunch box filled with healthy food and herbal remedies not simply because I make a conscious effort to not be there all the freaking time. And no, not because I do not want to, but simply because the last time I did something like that, I was turned away in the most brutal manner by the very person whom I thought was my bestest buddy and that he knew me well enough. I do not intend to make the same mistake twice within a short span of 2 months. That would be pathetic!
So, Mr M, this is what I want to say to you had I had the chance and opportunity to and enough balls to say it to your face:
M, I have adored you from a far and from the first time I laid eyes on you that day in the dungeon, I knew I felt something inside. I know for a fact that lust is not the best thing to be brought up at this point but I am being honest. The reason why I asked to be your friend through MSN and Facebook was because of that same reason as well. I did not expect us to get any closer than just a hi-bye friend within the cyber world. That was all I ever thought was possible. But somehow, it didn’t turn out quite the way I had predicted. You got me in, you made it physical and for once in a long time, I actually felt a sudden rush of confidence build up within me. You gave me the confidence to want to be like you. You are somebody I have always planned to be like when I was young. But that was a distant image that I had to set aside due to so many unforseen circumstances, which I hope by the time you read this, you’d have already known about them. Being close to you boosts my self-esteem which has been kept at bay for the longest time and it has also made me think about the kind of person I want to be. I feel like I have not given myself the adequate amount of credit I deserve and work hard enough to get what I wanted. You inspired me and I thank God for allowing us to meet. I shall wait patiently, unsuffocatingly, to know where all this will lead us…
