You are my baby love…
Here I am today, back at this blog after more than a year, reading my thoughts out loud from previous posts. I always thought to give up on this blog since nothing much lasted anyways. But still, here I am. Now, let me tell you why…
I am here to declare. Just like how in the past I have declared my emotions, thoughts and aspirations, today I sit here declaring yet again… do I regret my previous episodes? Do I miss those from my previous encounters? Do I have the same feeling for them still?
The answers are: No, no, and no.
Of course I have sat down once in a while to think about how things could have been different for me had I chosen a different path. But that’s all in the past so yada yada yada…
I sit here writing today because Mr E is in my life now, from the unlikeliest point of entry, the unexpected point in time. He was never expected, never wanted, never yearned for, never hoped for. He was not the kind I would flip over backwards for. And no, I wasn’t weak in the knees and I wasn’t drooling either. I was nonchalant and safe.
But over the months, Mr E got to me.. The first thing that hit me was his scent. He had a thing in the way he smelled; something sweet, something musky. Like the smell of chilled rose water stirred into milk. He doesn’t get it somehow. I tried time and again to explain it to him but he denies it all the time!His modesty is unbelievably concerning… haha
His smile- that got to me too… it’s sincere, tasteful, gentle, warm and most importantly it shows compassion. His eyes glow and I see him stand before me and all I think about is how grateful I am to be with someone like him. His eyes are deep and thoughtful as if he has lived forever. Sometimes, when I look him at him without him noticing me, I realised there is a tinge of sadness in them.
He grew on me as we got closer as much as I do hope I grew on him too. Well, if action speaks louder than words, then I guess I must have because he looks for me when I’m not there, he calls and he texts and he wishes me goodnight without fail. I am always on his mind except when I’m not… :p
This is the thing about us. I like to tease him, a lot! Even right now as I write Cos it’s so nice being around him and I think I’ve gotten so comfortable just joking and fooling around. He’s not just a guy I’m dating, he’s become a friend as well. He is someone I can trust and confide in, someone I can hold at night, someone I can wake up to and someone who will listen when I need an ear.
I felt bad, really. He is all those things; sweet, caring, kind, bright, cheerful, witty and smart and here I was actually wondering if he was sincere with me. There was a point in time when I feared that he wasn’t as serious as he had claimed to be. Maybe I overthought things. Perhaps, I was just afraid to commit myself to someone who’s definitely true to me. I dunno… but he stuck by me and listened to every freaking crap I said without any waivering. That, I must commend.
I have heard of couples where boy A meets boy B. Boy A falls madly in love with boy B. Boy B returns the favour and falls deeply in love with boy A. So boy A goes about his days feeling Oh so Awesome! until one day boy A notices boy B is preoccupied with a certain boy C.
This is where I did not want to end up being. It was shitty. I felt shitty for feeling shitty. But that was the reality. Mr E has acquaintances and friends within the family and he kept saying there wasn’t a cause for concern if they chatted him up. So I struggled back and forth trying to figure out what to make of it. I think he has yet to understand how tough it was for me to come to terms with the fact that I was jealous and insecured. I was especially so because I was at the crosscroads making the decision if I should continue investing my everything into this relationship. (I do not wait and see how things go naturally. I make plans and decide after several reviews if I should continue.)
So, until now, I do not know who Mr E keeps in contact with or who tries to keep in contact with him.
Am I worried? Honestly, a little bit.
Should I be worried? Nawp.
I have reconciled this issue with myself. Yes, it will indeed break my heart should I find him astray. But seriously, should that ever happen, then it is a sign to move on because it clearly indicates that we are just not enough. Furthermore, I want to trust him. I do not trust any one before this. Mr E, you are the pioneer! Yay! But right now, he is enough for me, and I hope I am enough for him. I believe that in these 5 months 29 days, I have given him all that I could and I have not gone through a single day without having any thoughts of him. If I do keep my thoughts busy thinking about how I would be broken, then he would never have the opportunity to see me for who I really am. I would love him and care for him and give him all that he wants. I would listen to him and speak to him when he needs me. I have this much within me to give because I have never shared my life with anyone else.
*This blog is so gonna make me embarrassed one day.
I see Mr E in the future. I see him smiling next to me in a picture framed up in bedroom. I’m not dreaming of white picket fences but this is how I know I want to carry on loving him. Yes, it is a bit daunting because the more I commit, the more I stand to lose if it fails; but also, the more rewards I will reap if it succeeds.
Moments before writing this, I was just pondering. Perhaps it’s just different the way I express myself to him. I would call it “passionate expression of love”. That’s really how it is with me. I display emotions of anger, happiness, sadness etc when I am close to someone. When I do not, you should start to worry.
Right now, I am glad. I feel a sense of being settled looming. For the first time, I feel a connection. I can finally say that I am with someone who wants to be with me. There is no mismatch- this is not a case of a crush that is one-sided. This is not a case of an admirer who simply doesn’t strike my fancy. This is us, and we are here together. We got here because we decided to do this. This is no Mr M, nor Mr F, nor anyone else.
So I wish. May this blog continue… may I love him more and more, and may we have more sweet moments together…
