It’s officially the last day of 2010. I don’t quite know how this should feel. I can recall how it was the last few years: the anticipation, the excitement, the relief…gosh all that hullabaloo!

This new year’s eve is calm. I wonder why?

Maybe it hasn’t been such a bad year after all. Great things happened this year and I shall attempt to list them all along with the other milestones I’ve passed:

1) I started the year having breakfast at a hotel suite.

2) I was attached on new year’s day.

3) I had my first break up ever.

4) I did a lab module in Health Psych.

5) I worked as a waiter at Prime Society and made new friends.

6) I recall working my ass off while schooling; did waitering and tutoring.

7) I bought myself several new clothes this year.

8) I went through a great period of working out.

9) Levi’s s shoes.

10) I met habibi.

11) Fell madly in love with habibi.

12) Bragged about habibi to everyone I could.

13) Booked my first ever chalet!

14) Spent 3 days with habibi only to feel breathless when we parted.

15) I graduated! Super yay!

16) I fought really badly with Sis and almost left home.

17) I apologised to F.

18) I got a job.

19) I left home for 2 months.

20) I lost one of my cats.

21) I got two new cats.

22) Fishtank.

23) Ringed, baby!

24) I was happy for the most part of it.

25) I got hurt by people I love.

26) Woke up many times next to someone.

27) I went to Sentosa (Underwater World)

28) Had sushi tei, twice!

29) I ate kangkong…ewww

30) I tasted oysters and lotsa wagyu.

31) Went clubbing at Play.

32) Had too much salt.

33) McSpicy with cheese, anyone?

34) I cried for Habibi.

35) Skinny jeans and tight t-shirts.

36) Jade green laksa from Thai Express.

37) I fell for soft shell crabs.

38) Did it @ PR park, Changi Beach, Clementi mall, some obscure car parks at PR and Changi, Yishun park, Yishun North Reservoir, the houses at Yishun, Bedok, PR and the other PR, staircase, Tower at Mangrove Swamp, Waterbreaker, showered with habibi in the open at Macritchie (I know this doesnt count), Home Team NS, East Coast Park Waterbreake, Kent Ridge Park.

39) Rap? Babadadadoe…

40) Met I, S, Sr, Ms, Fd, Hdr, forever twinks.

41) Bought a powerpac fan.

42) Ringed habibi.

43) Been an angrier person, in general.

44) Had awesome popcorn from Suntec.

45) A’s dad passed away.

46) Lost touch with some really close friends.

47) S left the village.

48) Barney the dog.

49) Made it through 2010.

50) Ending 2010 with habibi.

Things to look forward to:

2011.

I love you dearly ya habibi. It weakens me to see you so lifeless and exhausted. I cannot see you so upset and feel no empathy within me. I hope that this entry, along with the previous ones, help you get by, even just for a day. I hope I can help ease your burden through my rants and may you find the determination to carry on with life.

My heart dropped when I heard what had happened to your sis. But from the look of your face, I know it is something not even I can console. No back rub, head massage, fried chicken or anything for that matter could possibly make things any better. Nothing can make it better. Nothing can make it okay. I know that. Your expression said it all very clearly.

I think I have told you before that I was once a victim of domestic sexual abuse. I was very young back then. I dont know how it started. It has been with one cousin, and another cousin, brother, grandfather and uncle. But of course most were one-off encounters and the one that lasted over several ears involved my uncle.

I was the nephew that he utilised as a sexual object and was badly abused. It went on and on and it came to a point where I enjoyed it and asked for more. The word researchers would call it is “hypersexualised”. That was me at a very young age. Even before I went through puberty, I knew of all the pleasures that could derive from sexual encounters.

I wasn’t the only one.

About 2 to 3 years ago, my elder sister came out to me and told me how she had also been sexually abused by that same uncle. There was no sexual intercourse, but abuse did occur. She had told my mother about it but she seemed to have done nothing. We don’t know for sure if she actually kicked my uncle out or something because it is all now nothing but a blur. Even for me, I can hardly recall those moments. I try to keep it alive and real by recalling those events because I fear that one day, it will just be a distant past which I cannot even verify if it actually did occur. It is so hard to recall that sometimes, I feel like I’m making things up to compensate for the lapses in my memory.

My point here is that I got over it and so did my sister. For all I know, all my siblings have been abused by him. But we all got over it. We did. My sister got married, has children and despite the bickering she has with her husband, she is happy with the family she has today. She also went through her life making all sorts of wrong decisions and screwed herself over time and again. But all those were of her own doing; they have nothing to do with what had happened to her. I have mentioned it to you how my abuse had personally affected me. I felt that my abuse episodes made me gay. It’s true. I still think that it has indeed made me develop sexual attraction towards males.

But look here my dear, I am breathing living proof that victims survive. I am alive today to tell you this story, perhaps to help you accept the circumstances and still have the desire to make it out a better and stronger person. My abuse is something I wish had not happened to me sometimes. No, in fact all the time. I wish that I was normal and did not have that baggage behind me. But, it is there. And honestly, it doesn’t hurt me. I moved on. We moved on. Yes, sometimes, when we re-visit the past in our minds, yes, it brings everything back to the surface and sadness looms. The point still stands, we snap back to reality and realise we can get on with life.

I am not belittling what has happened despite your very brief description of things. But that information alone is enough to make me grasp the severity of the situation. It is a horrible thing to be disclosed especially in light of the recent events. It should have been brought to the surface when it had just happened, or be disclosed sometime in the future, just not right now!

But it is here and we have to address it. We cannot plan for when things should happen or when they should not happen. We deal with things as it comes our way. and we persevere. and we take a deep breath with every action. we can only hang on tight until the turmoil is over. We hang on for dear life because we want to be there when things get better.

Things get better my love, believe me they will. Sincerely speaking, my life has gotten better within me despite the situations my family get caught in. I completed my studies, landed a job within 3 months and I am happily attached for the very first time in my life. I am thankful for the ups and downs that I have encountered purely for the fact that I am now more stable, centered and calm as compared to the average person. I feel that at this point, my life has some form of relevance to your situation. I made it our alive my darling, so will you and your family.

Remember what I said about going through difficult moments in life? The real test is what you do in between all that mess. How you react and respond to such conditions will be the things you remember when you are way older. That is the most valuable aspect of all this. It is not the problem solely that is of main concern, it is how you grapple with it, what kinda decisions u make in light of such situations and eventually how you recuperate from it.

Have faith in God, in your family and most importantly, have faith in yourself and your abilities to overcome this. Many years later, you will remember the actions you take to cope with all these issues and you want to be proud of them. You want to be able to look back and say to yourself, “hey, it was tough…damn tough, but I persevered and I made the best decision that I could ever think of at that point in time”.

I love you and I am still here for you ya habibi…

I will not forsake you when you need someone to just stand by you.

I will pray for you and for your happiness. I will pray that you get through this and may God bless you with a sense of calm in your heart despite the storm that is passing.

With warmest support and empathy,

loving you more than ever,

A.

I worry for you. I have been through something of a similar nature and based on that experience, I would declare that things do turn ugly. I think it is strange, twisted in so many different ways we can possibly comprehend. But its true, strange occurrences such as this do happen and we often enough stop and wonder why. We ask ourselves ” why? why of all things that could go wrong, why this? and why like this?”

I have told you before that my parents were not faithful when they were together. My father was often found to be astray (suspected heavily at least) and my mother definitely went off with some men (plural, fyi). I was in fact on one of her dates with one of those men. I didn’t know it back then, but as I grew older I realised what that was and I have confronted her about it. But till this date, she denies it. It is really sad that years of faithful marriage gets washed away so easily. They used to say this when people asked about their marriage, ” sudah rentak, tinggal belah” which means that the crack was already there to begin with, just needed to wait for everything to fall into pieces. It is a horrible feeling to see your parents go through that. Your mum must be devastated, but I’m glad she seeked refuge in telling you and your sis about the current situation. She might have made it on her own, but she would do so much better with two extra pairs of hands.

What do I think?

I’d say this is so wrong. So wrong and so unjust in so many ways. There are commitments, vows spoken or otherwise made between a couple when they decide to be together. Just like you and I, we do not need a marriage to bind us that way. Our vows and commitments to each other have already been set. By doing this, he has forsaken those vows. You are definitely right to say that he’s weak. This is no sign of strength of character. He has just made the woman who bear his children, whom he had spent many years of his life with, the same woman he goes to bed with at night; he made her go into despair. I thank God your mother is strong-willed enough to know that she has been wronged. I am grateful that she can see that this is not right and she doesnt have to take this lying down. I hope she fights for the sake of her dignity. Forget about the marriage, that’s not the point here. It’s her dignity and pride as a woman. She cannot have her husband taken away from her right from under her nose. It is inconsolable.

My intention here is not to give you a lecture on how things should  be done or what is important and what is not. You know it all too well on your own. My point here is that as a son who is full-grown, should you get involved in these issues, you need to have a firm grip on your principles so as to guide you in making decisions and giving advice.  It is not enough to say that this is incorrect, you must know why and believe why it’s wrong. I made a mistake once by thinking that my mother was doing the right thing. She did the most outrageous thing ever. She went out with her own sister’s husband. My aunt called me up at night to cry over the phone, asking me what to do. I was only 12 then.

It was a struggle. Decisions were made and words were said and these cannot be erased. I just hope that you find that spirit within you to help you sort out what is important enough to be said. I want you to be prepared for what’s coming. That’s why I kept asking questions and giving my opinions, in hope that I might mention something that hasn’t crossed your mind. Yes, I do care about you, and your mum is important to you, and I love you, so by default she matters to me too ( I wish there was some way I could tell her that in the future). If what ever I have said or done is still not enough, tell me what else I can do to help. Mr E, you are no longer alone to settle your own problems. Perhaps, in the past you were but not now. Now you have me and I want to be there for you. I would go as far as thinking out the possibilities for you just so that you do not have to fuss over them on your own.

Mr E, you are not alone, I have your back. You have done the same for me, and would do just as much whenever I need you. So open that big heart of your’s, let me in and we can work through this together.

I love you, always.

-A

I am here to declare. Just like how in the past I have declared my emotions, thoughts and aspirations, today I sit here declaring yet again… do I regret my previous episodes? Do I miss those from my previous encounters? Do I have the same feeling for them still?

The answers are: No, no, and no.

Of course I have sat down once in a while to think about how things could have been different for me had I chosen a different path. But that’s all in the past so yada yada yada…

I sit here writing today because Mr E is in my life now, from the unlikeliest point of entry, the unexpected point in time. He was never expected, never wanted, never yearned for, never hoped for. He was not the kind I would flip over backwards for. And no, I wasn’t weak in the knees and I wasn’t drooling either. I was nonchalant and safe.

But over the months, Mr E got to me.. The first thing that hit me was his scent. He had a thing in the way he smelled; something sweet, something musky. Like the smell of chilled rose water stirred into milk. He doesn’t get it somehow. I tried time and again to explain it to him but he denies it all the time!His modesty is unbelievably concerning… haha

His smile- that got to me too… it’s sincere, tasteful, gentle, warm and most importantly it shows compassion. His eyes glow and I see him stand before me and all I think about is how grateful I am to be with someone like him. His eyes are deep and thoughtful as if he has lived forever. Sometimes, when I look him at him without him noticing me, I realised there is a tinge of sadness in them.

He grew on me as we got closer as much as I do hope I grew on him too. Well, if action speaks louder than words, then I guess I must have because he looks for me when I’m not there, he calls and he texts and he wishes me goodnight without fail. I am always on his mind except when I’m not… :p

This is the thing about us. I like to tease him, a lot! Even right now as I write Cos it’s so nice being around him and I think I’ve gotten so comfortable just joking and fooling around. He’s not just a guy I’m dating, he’s become a friend as well. He is someone I can trust and confide in, someone I can hold at night, someone I can wake up to and someone who will listen when I need an ear.

I felt bad, really. He is all those things; sweet, caring, kind, bright, cheerful, witty and smart and here I was actually wondering if he was sincere with me. There was a point in time when I feared that he wasn’t as serious as he had claimed to be. Maybe I overthought things. Perhaps, I was just afraid to commit myself to someone who’s definitely true to me. I dunno… but he stuck by me and listened to every freaking crap I said without any waivering. That, I must commend.

I have heard of couples where boy A meets boy B. Boy A falls madly in love with boy B. Boy B returns the favour and falls deeply in love with boy A. So boy A goes about his days feeling Oh so Awesome! until one day boy A notices boy B is preoccupied with a certain boy C.

This is where I did not want to end up being. It was shitty. I felt shitty for feeling shitty. But that was the reality. Mr E has acquaintances and friends within the family and he kept saying there wasn’t a cause for concern if they chatted him up. So I struggled back and forth trying to figure out what to make of it. I think he has yet to understand how tough it was for me to come to terms with the fact that I was jealous and insecured. I was especially so because I was at the crosscroads making the decision if I should continue investing my everything into this relationship. (I do not wait and see how things go naturally. I make plans and decide after several reviews if I should continue.)

So, until now, I do not know who Mr E keeps in contact with or who tries to keep in contact with him.

Am I worried? Honestly, a little bit.

Should I be worried? Nawp.

I have reconciled this issue with myself. Yes, it will indeed break my heart should I find him astray. But seriously, should that ever happen, then it is a sign to move on because it clearly indicates that we are just not enough. Furthermore, I want to trust him. I do not trust any one before this. Mr E, you are the pioneer! Yay! But right now, he is enough for me, and I hope I am enough for him. I believe that in these 5 months 29 days, I have given him all that I could and I have not gone through a single day without having any thoughts of him. If I do keep my thoughts busy thinking about how I would be broken, then he would never have the opportunity to see me for who I really am. I would love him and care for him and give him all that he wants. I would listen to him and speak to him when he needs me. I have this much within me to give because I have never shared my life with anyone else.

*This blog is so gonna make me embarrassed one day.

I see Mr E in the future. I see him smiling next to me in a picture framed up in bedroom. I’m not dreaming of white picket fences but this is how I know I want to carry on loving him. Yes, it is a bit daunting because the more I commit, the more I stand to lose if it fails; but also, the more rewards I will reap if it succeeds.

Moments before writing this, I was just pondering. Perhaps it’s just different the way I express myself to him. I would call it “passionate expression of love”. That’s really how it is with me. I display emotions of anger, happiness, sadness etc when I am close to someone. When I do not, you should start to worry.

Right now, I am glad. I feel a sense of being settled looming. For the first time, I feel a connection. I can finally say that I am with someone who wants to be with me. There is no mismatch- this is not a case of a crush that is one-sided. This is not a case of an admirer who simply doesn’t strike my fancy. This is us, and we are here together. We got here because we decided to do this. This is no Mr M, nor Mr F, nor anyone else.

So I wish. May this blog continue… may I love him more and more, and may we have more sweet moments together…

Ok this technically has reached a point where it all sucks. My allowance is still not disbursed to me. Ok I know very well why they have to delay the disbursement date for my allowance which I will have to pay back after I graduate. They have to make sure that all the stupid misc. fees are paid for first before the remainder of the allowance can be given to us through GIRO. But God Damn it! Give it to me already!….This sucks to the core. Like seriously.

I do not have any more money to send me to school and I hate having to ask anyone for money. It is bad enough that I have had to miss first 2 weeks of school because I have been trying to cut back on the transport fees and I know very well that I will be so hungry in school because I cannot afford anything to eat. This really is draining me and I hate the fact that this happens to me at the beginning of the past 3 semesters. Why can’t I learn to prepare  myself for this shit? Why? Why? Why?

I knew that I had to do it but somehow, I always end up having to spend my money on something else. And it sucks because it’s not like I didn’t work my ass off to get whatever cash I had. I worked so hard last semester and I had to spend it all on stupid starbucks drinks simply because they had a good place for me to study! I had no where else to go and it was difficult having to pay for your own food everyday. At the end of it all, money was gone down the drain like water you throw out. So here I am now, yet again, commiserating my unfortunate fate of having to wait endlessly for the money I am supposed to receive on loan, hoping that today, the 28th of January, would be the fateful day which makes me $1700 richer. But no, I thought wrong. It is hopeless…and the worst part:

28th January – Scorpio

You just might not want to shop now but will have to purchase clothing for a social event now on the horizon. You can grumpily and reluctantly meander through the clothes racks in stores or make this an exciting time out. Put on a smile and expect the best from your shopping spree. 

Fuck this shit!!!

Ms Gabriel once told me that people are fated to take similar routes in their journeys through life and sometimes they have no choice but to walk hand-in-hand. There is always something that you are supposed to do together for that moment you walk next to each other, like something to learn from each other. 

My latest lesson in life: To give priority to career and to live for the present. (M)

This is something I have never had to tell myself to consider believing in. I am that person who plans what happens tomorrow and the day after and 3 years from now. Can I allow myself to let it all be the way it was supposedly planned to be? How does one let go of all that ambition, worry and anticipation?

There is no harm trying at the very least. Why  not? I have lost everything, what else could I possibly lose now?

Today is the 14th of January 2008. Mr M has successfully gone through 22 years of life and I was a part of it. I was chatting with M on MSN just the night before his birthday. He made a gentle request that he gets a good bday fuck from a nice tight ass and apparently, mine was the one that came to his mind immediately after I asked if he knew any. So, the plan was that he was supposed to come up with a strategy on how to get it done simply because I was way too tired to think of anything at that point of time. I have had to carry brick after brick, trees, wooden decks, chairs and whatever valuable item we neighbours laid eyes on at the well-dilapidated and about to be expunged site of what used to be called the Seletar Black and White Residential area. Yes, it was indeed an interesting experience. I felt a whole lot of energy left lingering behind in those houses that used to be the home of many different families since many years before I was even born. That kinda residence ought to leave something energetically significant behind, to be picked up by anyone who traces by the place.

Anyways, back to the issue at hand. I purposely missed the first lesson of my first week of school to make way for M’s request. I was hoping that he would make the call to invite me over to his place for a quicky before he heads off to school. I would say I was as excited as he was. That would take our rendezvous experience to a whole new level. He was somebody I would willingly take in as an experience, an entity that would be a part of me.

However, the call did not come. What ever the case was, at the very least, we managed to meet up at the Starbuck’s at Wheelock Place for a quick coffee. He had only 2 hours to spare for me as he had to rush off for dinner at his granny’s place at Sempang and then head off to meet his friends who were planning his birthday bash on Friday, 16th Jan. Lol, the theme for the party was going to be Britney Bitch. So guests would have to come in anything that screams Britney! No, I was not invited an I secretly hoped that I wouldn’t be invited. Me in anything remotely associated with Britney? Seriously…

So 2 hours went by and we laughed, talked and touched each other. From this you can tell that we were somewhat hornified by each other;s presence and circumstances just wouldn’t allow anything to happen. Pretty sad, I know. But what can one do? We had no where else to go and none of us had vehicular privileges. No car, no house, no room, no nothing. How to have anything happen just like that?

At times like this, I wished I had my own place or at the very least, my own room. I do not have parents to whom I would have to explain why my friend is locked up in my bedroom. But unfortunately, having no bedroom is a bigger issue here. I don’t know why I feel so helpless in this situation. I have never been presented with such a case before. Somebody I like actually wants to spend intimate moments with me, for once! And I cannot give anything in return. I have to give him a blank face everytime something like this comes up and wait for him to suggest that I go over to his place. This is one reason why I am hoping that my sister’s plan to have the chalet will pull through so that I could for once invite him to stay over for a night. That would be the least I could do. Ooh guess what? The chalets are all fully booked. I have just checked the system. Damn it!

So I figured that I should just take it slow. Be his friend and most importantly, see if he should be my friend; somebody close enough that I would allow full entrance into my life. Somehow, I still have doubts on whether he is really suitable for me or not. Maybe a fling is what this really is and nothing more can come out of it.

Sometimes, I wonder if he is even truly interested in me. Do I make him laugh and smile because of who I am or is it simply because he is just being nice to me so he gets whatever he wants? Am I making a fool out of myself? Am I thinking too hard about it and making a whole deal out of something which is as simple as a fling? 

Whatever the case is, I owe him a gift. I think he deserves a gift from me, for the times he has been pleasant to me. He wants a creme brulee body lotion, as set of that he will get. The problem is that I would have to get to level 1 of Takashimaya to get that thing which will probably cost the highest I have ever spent on a single gift for anyone. But I want to give it. To him. I want to show him that I do pay attention and I will try to give him whatever he wants eventhough it may come a bit late, 3 weeks late perhaps.

So we will see what I do with all this…and so now I shut up.

I am being bitten by mosquitoes. Tonnes of them. There is a huge plague outside my house and these fragile windows are the only ones stopping the crusade of mozzies poking their stinging and itch-inducing needles into my skin.
Called her for the first time yesterday
Finally found the missing part of me
Felt so close, but you were far away
Left me without anything to say

(chorus):
Now I’m speechless, over the edge, I’m just breathless, I never thought that I’d catch this LOVE BUG, again
Hopeless, head over heels, In the moment, I’d never thought that I’d get hit by this LOVE BUG, again

I can’t get your smile out of my mind
Joe: (i can’t get you out of my mind)
I think about your eyes all the time
Your beautiful, but you don’t even try
Joe: (you don’t even, don’t even try)
Modesty is just so hard to find

(chorus)
Now I’m speechless, over the edge, I’m just breathless, I never thought that I’d catch this LOVE BUG,again
Hopeless, head over heels, In the moment, I’d never thought that I’d get hit by this LOVE BUG, again

Kissed her for the first time yesterday
Everything I wished that it would be
Suddenly, I forgot how to speak
Hopeless, Breathless, Baby can’t you..see

(Chorus)
Now I’m speechless, over the edge, I’m just breathless, I never thought that I’d catch this LOVE BUG,again
Now I’m hopeless, head over heels, In the moment, I’d never thought that I’d get hit by this LOVE BUG, again!!

ohhhhh LOVE BUG, AGAIN!

It’s not what you think. No…No…no…like seriously, no…

M is all I think about. Ok that’s a lie, somehow I conjured it up and I am calling my own bluff. I do care about M and I do want to be around him but I don’t know if I should or if I even can. With everything that is going on around me and all the things on my list of ‘things to do’, I keep having to remind myself that this is something I really should not be getting myself into right now. There is this part that holds me back. I keep reminding myself of things (really stupid things) like how I am not good-looking enough to be around him, I do not wear designer labels like he does, I do not get special invites to closed door events, I do not have friends living in huge mansions along Bukit Timah Rd who would open their doors to me on Christmas Eve. I just do not have so many of these things. But there is also this other part of me that insists strongly that I should give this a try. This can be something I enjoy. This could be an experience many have been dying to get. Hey, its M and its A!!! Gosh, seriously, many ppl would kill to be in either one’s position right now. So now that we’re here, why not right? F’s voice keeps ringing through my head like a nonsensical tape recorder you wish you had thrown out years ago. The deep sulky voice says to me that I should not let my family background hold me back for anything. The idea of “so what if they’re screwed up” seems pretty much appealing to me. But I make one full circle and ask myself, “Who am I to even consider giving it a shot?”

That’s really what it boils down to. Z feels undeserving of me. I feel undeserving of M. Everybody is undeserving of somebody else. Why can’t we just get ourselves together already? There are so many others out there who feel really deserving eventhough they really should think twice abt making that assumption. Some ppl really do not deserve each other….Lol

Oh, A pisses me off 2 nights ago. So, anyways, if somebody has been reading my entries, do let her know that her pleas and begs on her “hands and knees” will not do any good. My mind has been made up and I do not lick the spot I just spit on. So do not even bother, I am irrevocably inconsolable and this friendship has been irrevocable damaged. Yes, you read the previous line correctly. I have seen that blog and I am not affected.

So, M is an ass sometimes. A cute ass. The sex…its good! I have never had speed sex before but I tell ya honey, it was damn hot! I was so yearning for him that I took a cab down. When was the last time I actually took a cab? But it was so worth it. That ass, so delicious I wanna melt right into it…Damn! Hot!

But M has this look about him. He has this deep intense look that will never let anyone in. I want it to stay that way. I do not want to be that kid on Christmas morning tearing away at the gifts under the christmas tree. Let me be that boy who runs up to his bedroom holding on to that small little box with his name stuck on the wrapper, peeling the edges of the wrapper ever so gently to see what’s inside. Why? Because the wrapper is part of that gift. As much as everybody wants to know what the present is, the part where you unwrap can also be an enjoyment in itself. So let me do it my way, slow and easy and do not rush me. Do not spoil the moment because once you have unwrapped everything and you know what you have inside, the wrapper will be torn and chucked aside. So let us spare a moment for that wrapper which has kept the gift safe and pristine under the christmas tree.

So thus, due to the M-effect, this blog shall remain alive.

It is so weird how M and I have gotten off so well within this short span of time. I cannot believe how unbelievable this whole experience of getting to know Mr M has been thus far. He has this allure about him that keeps me wanting to come back for more. I try really hard to control myself and make sure I do not come across as somebody who is over-bearing and just all over the place. I need to know what my boundaries are and those lines that I draw for my sake around those boundaries, I must keep. So let it be clear from this line henceforth that it is not that I do not want to get to know him better and it is definitely not the case that I do not bother to make any effort to go look for him. I simply am giving him the space to breathe because I know too well that I am the sort who could choke, suffocate asphyxiate the very person I care about. It is not that I do not care when I send text messages to him when he is at the A&E dept of CGH. It is not that I do not take any initiative when he is down and out. I do not come knocking on his door with a surprise lunch box filled with healthy food and herbal remedies not simply because I make a conscious effort to not be there all the freaking time. And no, not because I do not want to, but simply because the last time I did something like that, I was turned away in the most brutal manner by the very person whom I thought was my bestest buddy and that he knew me well enough. I do not intend to make the same mistake twice within a short span of 2 months. That would be pathetic!

So, Mr M, this is what I want to say to you had I had the chance and opportunity to and enough balls to say it to your face:

M, I have adored you from a far and from the first time I laid eyes on you that day in the dungeon, I knew I felt something inside. I know for a fact that lust is not the best thing to be brought up at this point but I am being honest. The reason why I asked to be your friend through MSN and Facebook was because of that same reason as well. I did not expect us to get any closer than just a hi-bye friend within the cyber world. That was all I ever thought was possible. But somehow, it didn’t turn out quite the way I had predicted. You got me in, you made it physical and for once in a long time, I actually felt a sudden rush of confidence build up within me. You gave me the confidence to want to be like you. You are somebody I have always planned to be like when I was young. But that was a distant image that I had to set aside due to so many unforseen circumstances, which I hope by the time you read this, you’d have already known about them. Being close to you boosts my self-esteem which has been kept at bay for the longest time and it has also made me think about the kind of person I want to be. I feel like I have not given myself the adequate amount of credit I deserve and work hard enough to get what I wanted. You inspired me and I thank God for allowing us to meet. I shall wait patiently, unsuffocatingly, to know where all this will lead us…

I went for my new tuition assignment today. The house was definitely not the most convenient and accessible of all places. I had to take the bus, train and walk for about 20 solid minutes until I finally reached his doorstep. Met the fella, a pretty decent dude. Lives in a private residence and to my surprise, at the end of the session, he asked if I was afraid of dogs. Dogs love me and I believe the feeling is mutual. How could there possibly be any sense of fear in between all of that? Sheesh….

I have to work hard for this assignment. I mean being paid that sum of money per hour is definitely no joke. I would have to prepare myself way before hand and make sure I do not appear like a complete idiot in front of my own student. He is smart and resourceful enough to do his own research on Biology which I believe should make our learning sessions a whole lot more adventurous. It should be fun to be constantly challenged by your own smart-ass student. At the very least, that would keep me awake for the most part of the session. I have had cases in the past where my students were attempting very easy questions that they bored me to my la la land…I have fallen asleep while ‘tutoring’. Ashamed to admit it and yes, I should be spanked or fired. But hey, they did well at the end of the day so that means I did my job fine.

The only issue I have to deal with is the fact that this kid wants to go into Medicine/ Law. Sounds familiar eh? He has the same subject combination as me when I was back in VS. He wants to go to RJC for God’s sake! I could not even make it to VJC and how am I supposed to help this boy plan his academic route to that institution? Well, I reckon I would just have to work hard at it and make sure he makes it. This is really tough on my shoulders but I figured there are so many benefits to this as well. Firstly, reading up on Biology would help me with my Biological Psychology module I plan to take next semester and secondly, this would help me prove to myself that I am a highly capable tutor and I can study and excel if I put my heart and soul into it. I did not do very well for my Biology papers but this is my big break. I will realise that I can do it and he will be my conduit. Thirdly, of course, A said that this would make me a smarter person and that it will allow me to teach her about the anatomy to prepare her for her career in medicine. I wonder what O level Biology could do to help but less is better than nothing.

So, mug I will, not just for his sake but for mine and A’s as well. Mybig Break and I have no intention of screwing it up. I bet this brain is worth something.